Thursday, December 6, 2012

Teenage Dream

Okay, this week was really illuminating. Here's what I've learned so far:

1. I suck at writing
2. I'm a prostitute
3. I'm less fun to hang out with than a tent.

teenage angst. they're on to me.
I'll explain. First off, as many of you may know, my little story about getting real cold made its way onto Reddit and jumped to the top of the Outdoors forum. Previously to this happening, I had no idea that Reddit existed. I still don't exactly understand its purpose, but it seems to be a place where internet users get to be really mean. Neat.

So far, here's what I've gleaned from the comments: I totally suck at writing. I'm full of teenage angst (yeahSO???) and I don't "have any fucking regard for my own life." (I'm paraphrasing here.) What these fine people may have in terms of colorful language, they seem to be lacking in basic reading comprehension skills, judging on their discussion about how awful it was that I set my face on fire. That really would have been awful but guys, I said feet. feet equals less than face.
Feet!
 I'm sorry, family. You don't like this.
HOWEVER! It's a big win for me because Reddit sent me over a thousand hits from strangers, so welcome all you new readers, welcome! (Honestly, welcome.)

Like any blogger worth her salt, I get a few solidly mean comments now and then. And I ignore them and breathe light into the universe and wish them well and all that jazz. But there was one recent comment that I really got attached to because of its thought provoking complexities and subtle contradictory statements. Some nice lady gently suggested I get a real job, ifn' I wasn't too good for a real job. Then she pointed out that I'm a prostitute. (How bizarre that she's the only one to put together the pieces that I've so blatantly laid out before you! I sleep over my friends houses? I don't have any friends! Just clients.)

Anyway, I'd just like to point out that it's a contradiction to draw attention to my flagrant disregard for work ethic and then suggest I'm a prostitute. Prostitution is not just a profession, it's the world's oldest profession. Show some respect, anonymous commenter number 533.

And finally, the cake-taker. I went on a few nice dates with another from-back-east-er. On our first date he tried to get me to eat a snake. MOM! Don't go running, that wasn't a euphemism. Mom- no! PUT DOWN THE PHONE. I won't answer.

Really though, dude took me to a bar where they actually served Cobra. It's totally illegal. And totally awesome. But I didn't eat the snake because it turns out cobra has to marinate for two weeks before it can be served.

Anyway, dude was handsome and funny. We'd be all cozied up and I'd tell him that I liked him because he was a good New England Liberal, and then he would joke about how things like social justice and running the recycling through the dishwasher before putting it into the bin was a big turn on, and then he'd kiss me dramatically.

Good good goooood.

But just yesterday he pulled the typical Northwest outdoor dude thing and started deflecting me with banter about outdoor gear. An example:

Me: Hey, I'll be gone all weekend and then I'm going back home early next week, if you want to get together before that.

Him: I found a tent for 50% off!

Me: Really? That's great. So, I'm leaving Thursday night-

Him: At the REI garage!

Me: uh hu.

Him: It's 2 pounds lighter than my other one!

And finally, dude sends me a photo of the tent all set up in his living room. I know how to read this situation. What we have here is a Do Not Resuscitate. And all before I ever got a bite of the snake.
So after this total winner of a week, I found myself at the dog park drinking an americano out of a cup that a Min Pin licked when I had my back turned. I was downloading some Katy Perry songs to cheer myself up, and then I found all the Glee Cast covers of Katy Perry songs and I just went to town on it. But, what's this? To my horror the songs were not making me feel my cheery self again. In fact, and here's some teenage angst for you Reddit friends, the tunes were making me feel worse. Like, and I actually thought this, how come I'm not anyone's teenage dream??? IS IT BECAUSE I DON'T WEAR SKIN TIGHT JEANS? And that's when I realized:

I need to outsource my life for a while. Honestly, I'm not capable of doing this on my own. What I need is a fucking crime stopping make over crack team to tell me what to do and I swear, I will do it.

And so I did a little hustling and dealing and here's what I put together. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the dream team:

1. Kristen Rivas, hypnotist. 
Because my subconscious need something in between an ass kicking and some gentle coaxing.

2. Ren Caldwell, personal trainer. 
I've given up climbing for a while so as to get a break from all of that. What do I do with myself? Watch reruns of Teen mom 2 while jogging lightly up and down on the elliptical? Not any more! Enter Ren.

3. Jen Rice, masseuse/healer
Apparently this lady can figure out what's wrong with you just with her hands. Maybe she'll be able to figure out what western medicine has not been able to figure out for the past two months.

4. Amy Last Name Not Known, nutritionist. 
Because lately my diet looks like this: nothing nothing nothing nothing STEAK BURRITO nothing nothing nothing.

5. The firefighters of Seattle Station 10, A shift.
Every dream team needs some real life superheros.

Yes, from now on I'm doing what they tell me to do and nothing more. Then, with the help of a professional photographer, I'm writing about it.

 Please join me in this journey from less than tent to more than teenage dream.

(did you like it? yeah? share this post on facebook. no? share this post on reddit.)

29 comments:

winter storm girl said...

Oh my god, I'm dying. I'm literally dying with laughter in my cubicle. Holy shit. Shared.

adam opsata said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
adam opsata said...

It's impressive how much interesting stuff you can come up to write about. Sometimes I'm able to come up with something as funny as that "nothing nothing steak burrito nothing nothing" line. But it would have taken me three days to come up with just that alone. -AO

Melina said...

adam i promise i didn't delete you, comments are being wonky. your'e my favorite engineer bosun photographer's assistant ever please don't go to australia, too far away.

B. Holmes said...

Hang in there and don't listen to the negative people hiding behind their "comments". Navigating your 20's can be really hard, heartbreaking and confusing but you'll figure it out! It's just the bumpy part of the road, it starts to smooth out with age, just try to pick the right direction and be a good person. You will find your way... www.alaskanbrothers.blogspot.com

Steve said...

Katy Perry is always a good decision for a pick me up song. And I say that as an old man who could never admit that if last names were involved. Hell, it might be time for shitty music evening.



fozz said...

Perhaps you were just listening to the wrong Katy Perry song. You're told old for Teenage Dream. And let's be honest listening to The One That Got Away when looking for a pick me up probably isn't it either. Wait, I got it. Given your supposed profession the Katy song for you is If You Can Afford Me. Yep, that's the one.

Sara, Plain and Tall said...

melina--i died laughing. i'm a longtime reader, but mostly just a lurker. we ALL go through periods of teenage angst long after the teenage years have been kicked to the curb. preach it, sister, if you "don't know how to write" i don't want you to learn. :) keep doing what you do, with a little help from a new crew!

Cassandra said...

Melina this makes me a little sad... there's nothing wrong with you that you need to fix! Not saying that working out and eating healthy isn't AWESOME (because self improvement totally is), but before you diagnose yourself with not being good enough to be somebody's teenage dream, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

Love you. Also, haters gonna hate. Let them do their thing, you do yours. xoxo

Sarah said...

prostitute? lmao! that had me cracking up! yes, i can see the ad now:

"rock climbing, adventure seeking prostitute for hire to float your kayak down the river!"

your 20's are a turbulent time - the quarter life crisis - a lot happens in those few short years. you'll figure it all out, and come out of it on the other side stronger than ever!

or....you'll be a prostitute! ;)

Emily said...

I think you're sooooo much cooler than a tent.

Anonymous said...

Was that dude's name ----??...'cause I had an oddly similar situation with a liberal east coaster, gear-obsessed ---- who took me took a bar with exotic meats. I didn't eat the snake either.... Long time reader/lurker. I love your writing!

Melina said...

YES.

Sarah said...

Love you! Haters gonna hate!

elissa said...

i loved that comment about teenage angst

(yes, i read all the reddit comments and yes, i was fully enraged and ready to kick some serious ass but then i realized i'd have to start an account and that totally derailed me)

- yeah - accusing you of teenage angst -- i'm sorry, Anon commenter, we weren't all as blessed as you to completely miss out on our teenage years including the angst that is inherent to teenagers...

the internet offers a strange and interesting outlet that was completely unexplored by humans previously - the ability to anonymously (or publicly) say something that you would never, ever say to someone's face. i don't necessarily think it's a good thing, but it's a thing none the less. you're awesome, i miss you, coming home for christmas? i have a petite east coast boy that would love to snuggle and play.

Bohemian Beautiful said...

kelle shared this post on her blog, and I am so glad that she did because I am literally afraid I will kill myself from laughing so hard. I'm sure that it kinda bombed hard at the time, but dude, you nailed that on the head. nice job! :D

Jenny V said...

Brilliant...simply brilliant!

Valerie said...

I just came over here from Kelle Hampton's blog and you are hilarious! I am now going to download some Katy Perry and add you to my daily blog reads. :)

Valerie said...

I just came over here from Kelle Hampton's blog and you are hilarious! I am now going to download some Katy Perry and add you to my daily blog reads. :)

Helen said...

Came from kelle too - you're now added to my reader!!

Helen said...

Came from kelle too - you're added to my reader now!

Kris said...

Linked here from Kelle's blog. You are. in a word. AWESOME.

Adding you to my google reader. Looking forward to hearing about your journey!

Christi Madrid said...

Well, aren't you a dear. I want to carry you around in my pocket for cheer. In a totally non creepy way. Salud!

Christi Madrid said...

Well, aren't you a dear. I want to carry you around in my pocket for cheer. In a totally non creepy way. Salud!

Maggie said...

I've been a reader for some time. You are one kick-ass broad. Oh, and I read those comments. My conclusion? Some people weren't spanked enough as children.

Keeping on rocking it.

Laura Hill said...

Love the plan. Knock em Dead, Tiger.

Also came from Kelle's blog. Also thing your blog is awesome.

I had heard reddit was the wild, wild west. Sorry you got caught there but enjoy the new followers.

Best.
Laura

I Miss You When I Blink said...

Oh, sweet mother of invention, girl, you are hilarious.

I love your attitude; I love your freewheeling way with words; I love your sense of humor.

This was a riot. Way to roll with the punches. I'm following you now.

Anonymous said...

Why can't I read this post without Nirvana's Teen Spirit playing in my head? Ha!
Followed you on IG before ever reading your blog. I will never understand why a person has to puke through their keyboard if they don't like or don't agree with something they read rather than just clicking the X in the top right corner. Grow up, people.

Preach on, girl!

- "Cheeks'" Mama on IG

Anonymous said...

you go, girlfriend.