We are back in the Southeast after nine long green weeks in Vermont. Olive has become this funny slender bean pole of a person. She falls asleep on her own, tucked up in child's pose with her little butt up in the air. I'm obsessed with how cute she looks wearing just a diaper. She has four teeth, the top two look enormous and comical. She can speak and walk, although that's a bit misleading when I say it like that. It's more honest to say: She can say words and take steps. When she feels like it, which is mostly when she's around a rubber duck. Ducks get her all riled up.
My own life is divided right now. Spending my days with my little daughter is as close to heaven as a person like me is ever going to get. She's so funny. She is so lovely. She is so smart. I wish every minute with her could be an hour, I wish every single day could be a week. At the same time, Lyme disease has left me in such a state of crippling chronic pain that even the smallest tasks of life- opening a jar, bending down to pet the dog- feel completely untenable. It's agony. It's bee so many long years of this.
Olive lifted a board book off the bed the other day, and I looked on with envy. I couldn't pick that same book up without every joint, muscle, bone and tending exploding in pain. My ten month old has now surpassed me in strength and ability.
That's the main reason I haven't been writing regularly. I'm living somewhat of a double life it feels. And whenever I bring up the issue the people who love me get really upset- reading this will be enough to ruin their day, but I'm getting tired of keeping so quiet about it. It makes me feel as if I'm always lying.
I see my doctor tomorrow. I'm going to ask her about a referral to a pain management clinic.
I am nearly a full time photographer now! It's going really well. I'm almost booked up for the entire autumn and I'm taking a photo tour in Northwest Arkansas at the end of October. Wild & Bright Photography is about to turn two years old.
If you're wondering how I can go out and do all the shoots with the pain, and then the acres and acres of editing, well- you and me both. I have no idea. I have a theory though. My Lyme infection is inactive- what causes me trouble is the resulting Limbic System Injury left over in my brain after years of bacterial and viral trauma. The way to heal that is to rewire your brain into health and into happiness. It's not as simple or as easy as it sounds, although it does present this truth: when I'm happy and engaged and lost in my work, I hurt less.
And I'm so happy when I'm shooting photos. Olive and photography has given back to me so much of what Lyme took away.